I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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