Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
