is your mom at the bar?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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