MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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