She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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