The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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