Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
