no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
