Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
