You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
