How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
