If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
