If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
