Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think your dad took our porno
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Randomize
