Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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