I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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