Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
