Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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