i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
