I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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