i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
