My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
