after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Randomize
