two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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