im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
