my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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