I should be sponsored by Trojan
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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