I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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