i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
