Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
