I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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