a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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