Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
