Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
