ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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