remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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