i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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