1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
