I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
