I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
