i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
