So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
