Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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