I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
