the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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