I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
