i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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