First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
