I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
