The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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