but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am midnight drunk by noon
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
