Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
